I had planned out this very looong post in which I was going to explain, vent and cry about this season of brokenness I have been in, yet I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had it all thought out but every time I sat to blog the words wouldn't come out.
I thought a lot about how I would put to words what I was feeling and how I was going through this season and what God was showing me through all this. I thought if I put to words the motions I've been going through I'd understand better and maybe it would all make sense.
I had it all thought out, perfect, it made sense. All was neat and simple.
*Do you do that? Think in terms of blog posts? Blogging has completely changed the way I think. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Most days I chuckle about it as I find it quite comical but other days I'm not so sure. I must admit I have caught myself thinking blog post when I know my thought should be focused on what God is doing - not how I can turn what I'm going through into a post!*
The other day when this supposed post was all prepared in my thoughts what happened? Why the reluctance to write? Well...
I watched a movie with Dear Husband, an emotional one at that; "Where the Wild Thing are". I could hardly speak afterwards and all that ugly brokenness came pouring out and I cried and cried and cried. I cried for hours - until 4 am before completely crashing! Something about that movie and the message (I had not grown up reading the book and it was very new to me) struck a chord, opened a well.
Even though my heart hurt it felt good to cry - even the ugly cry. I felt the Lord say that joy would come with the morning and that He wanted to use what I was going through for His purpose and to show me something.
If you've seen the movie then you'll know what I'm taking about when I say I saw myself as the sister in the beginning. I
was that sister. I'm still like her in many ways. You know the one, too busy about her own self, her thoughts and struggles to see whats going on around her. To distracted and occupied to see the hurt in those she loves. To wound up and defeated herself to do anything about it. And what and where she spends her time and gives her heart isn't even comparable.
Ouch, the truth of this hit hard.
I thought much about how my actions and selfishness affects the ones I care for and the deep consequences of that, I have seen it in my relationship with my little brother. I always understood the hurt there but watching that movie made it ever so real. I cried over that hurt from so long ago and realized that in someways I hadn't changed and I still do that - to my dear husband and my sweet children.
When the truth of this sank in I was most broken - hence the crying and uncontrollable sobbing.
I spent the next day praying about it and wondering what the Lord had in all of this for me...
Definitely humbled and wanting to repent I realized that the Lord has been shaping my character. Weeding, molding, pruning, tending, calling. I have been asking for this! I didn't realize it would hurt so much or that I would be so resistant! I was encouraged to look beyond myself, past everything to see the hearts of those closest to me and this scripture here has never had a sweeter meaning...
Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character [of this sort] produces [the habit of] joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation. Romans 5 3:5
This was found in the Amplified Bible and in below in the English Standard Version, equally lovely.
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Being a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter requires integrity, endurance, confidence, joyfulness, character and hope. Imagine mothering without any of these? Imagine being a women without any of these?!
As a lover of my Lord I can't imagine going without His Holy Spirit, the gift of eternal salvation - no matter how much I least deserve it or His love. Oh
His love ~ it catches my breath!
I might be theses things in my weaknesses and stumble through my struggles but He doesn't let go. He doesn't let go. He pours into me and continues to create a masterpiece, even when I don't see it. I am thankful for
His chisel (Worth the click!) Truly He is ever so faithful. I have been praying about my children's character and it seems He chose to start with me! I love that His ways are not mine!
My hear is full of gratitude. I will choose to rejoice and praise Him - no matter what season I am in. Blessed be His name will be my song.